when i think of your name, there's a million different words that come to mind. a million memories, a million thoughts, a million feelings.
it's different this time. your passing is hurting me. it hasn't quite sunk in that i'll never be able to see your face again. it's unbelievable that i won't get to hear your voice again.
the phone call, my moms voice on the other end of the line. the fact that i was 600miles away from any member of my family. that there was no one near me that could hug me, no one around me that understood the PAIN.
the bus ride home. the 40+ people staring at the wierd girl crying. no one around me to understand that i'd just lost the woman i cherished above anyone else.
the guilt. knowing that i'd left you when you needed me. i know you didn't understand my choice. &to be honest, at the moment i don't understand it either.
these tears. they went away after the 1st night. it's like i'm walking around, living my life. in the bacc of my head, always thinking that this isn't what you're going to be doing any longer.
the way you've always taken care of me, took me to & from school, work, cosmetology. how proud you were of me. what a good girl, you always said i was. i'm not a good girl, grandma. where was your good girl when you were hurting . . .
why wasn't i there? you were ALWAYS in my thoughts. ALWAYS in my prayers. a phone call here, a card for christmas. it doesn't change the fact that i should've been there, &i wasn't.
i always knew this day was going to come.
i just didn't know it was going to be now.
my only solace is knowing you're with grandpa. did my tia give you a hug when you got there?
i know she's being nice to you. she probably thanked you for being there as support when she passed last year. my mom wants you to know how glad she was that you were there. she said you looked so little at the funeral, walking around with your cane.
oh grandma, you're the strongest woman i've ever known. i know you were just tired. i'm selfish. i'm so mad you couldn't hold on to be here with me. you promised you'd see my children! it's just too unexpected. it's too much. i can't wait for the day i get to see your beautiful face again, i love you. i know you're full of energy once again.
it's different this time. your passing is hurting me. it hasn't quite sunk in that i'll never be able to see your face again. it's unbelievable that i won't get to hear your voice again.
the phone call, my moms voice on the other end of the line. the fact that i was 600miles away from any member of my family. that there was no one near me that could hug me, no one around me that understood the PAIN.
the bus ride home. the 40+ people staring at the wierd girl crying. no one around me to understand that i'd just lost the woman i cherished above anyone else.
the guilt. knowing that i'd left you when you needed me. i know you didn't understand my choice. &to be honest, at the moment i don't understand it either.
these tears. they went away after the 1st night. it's like i'm walking around, living my life. in the bacc of my head, always thinking that this isn't what you're going to be doing any longer.
the way you've always taken care of me, took me to & from school, work, cosmetology. how proud you were of me. what a good girl, you always said i was. i'm not a good girl, grandma. where was your good girl when you were hurting . . .
why wasn't i there? you were ALWAYS in my thoughts. ALWAYS in my prayers. a phone call here, a card for christmas. it doesn't change the fact that i should've been there, &i wasn't.
i always knew this day was going to come.
i just didn't know it was going to be now.
my only solace is knowing you're with grandpa. did my tia give you a hug when you got there?
i know she's being nice to you. she probably thanked you for being there as support when she passed last year. my mom wants you to know how glad she was that you were there. she said you looked so little at the funeral, walking around with your cane.
oh grandma, you're the strongest woman i've ever known. i know you were just tired. i'm selfish. i'm so mad you couldn't hold on to be here with me. you promised you'd see my children! it's just too unexpected. it's too much. i can't wait for the day i get to see your beautiful face again, i love you. i know you're full of energy once again.
I LOVE YOU.
i love you...
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